Totally Unmodern

Healthy competition ?

2008-07-31T15:30:00.005+01:00

SO I'm back .. I know I've neglected the blog

As you have probably guessed form my last entry my life has been very busy. There is so much jist I'm just goanna have to let you have it in instalments I guess.

So here's part 1 any way. I went on my holiday and had a blast. My friend Kitty (you might recall her form my earlier post) rung me shortly before our holiday. She asked me if I remembered a guy from our Uni, I said yeah ... 'Hazy'?? Well he was always smoking weed and generally spaced out.

I bumped into him on a holiday in Lagos 2 years ago and he asked me if I was from Finland LMAO ...I'm like dude do I look Finnish? He said sorry all through Uni I thought you were from Finland for some reason. I smiled and said well I think you mixed me up with some one else. Any way this shows my point he was always high ...so high he thought I was Finnish.
Kitty said ..."well I was speaking to him online invited him along on our holiday ...I hope you don't mind". I'm like I'm cool whatever.

Long story short Hazy arrived at *exotic location* well we saw him waiting in our hotel bar when we decided to go back to our hotel room to see if he had left a message. I saw Hazy and my heart nearly skipped beat DAAAAMMMMM dude had gone from Hazy to HOTBODY since the last time I saw him. I and Kitty must have been thinking the same thing, because we said hello to him and then rushed upstairs and shut the door 'OMIGOSH ,...did you see Hazy ...he is sooo sexy now ! 'Damn this Kitty girl ...she already has a man and she is still chasing the single ones :(

Any way Hazy was staring at me all evening so I thought to myself 'I got this' not realising that Kitty was ready for war. Any way whilst I was till playing my normal hard to get and doing small shakara for the guy, Kitty was slipping into a hot red mini dress upstairs complete with stilettos (she meant war) and then spent the rest of the evening draping herself over Hazy and generally flaunting her goods at him. I don't blame Hazy...you should have seen how quickly his focus was redirected from me to this silly vampire (I know I'm bitter)

Any way they spent the rest of the holiday all loved up. It took me another 4 good days to get over it because it's not every day I see a guy I fancy that much. I actually said to Kitty after the first night "You silly heifer you are wasting a good man ...you already have a man :(" She shrugged and said "sorry babes I know you fancied him but I fancied him too"

Any way question is if you were in my shoes in this scenario how hard would you work to get a guys attention??. To be honest I've never had to try so I don't know how. I know how to let a guy know I'm interested subtly but I don't think I can compete blatantly like Kitty was doing. Don't get me wrong I love my girl and she is not the type who would actually go after my man (if he was my man) etc so that not the topic here. This was a guy we both knew from school and both met again at the same time and for her it was like GAME ON

Back to work
Na wa for credit crunch o . No sooner than I start a new job than I start worrying about redundancies. All deals have dried up. My whole team is basically marketing etc to try to win new work. Its scary there's a whole team of ten of us being paid city wages and not bringing dough in. And they will probably do LIFO ...Lord have mercy. If I'm laid off thats it ...I've run up so much credit card debt recently ...LOL well I went to *exotic location* furnished my new home (everything is new) and haven't been working for the past 2 months so you gots to understand when I say huge bills. Any way my strategy is to be pally with my bosses. I might be new but please don't kick me out first it had better not come to that!

Update on my redecoration
I almost forgot to update you . Well I threw my painting party and all my siblings helped out with the painting not without complaining mind you . LOL , but they did a great job though they were all hinting that I really should get someone in too paint next time . No chance, I called 0800handyman and they quoted me £60 for first hour and then £50 for each subsequent hour or £250 full day rate ….for what?

Even the local cowboys were talking £30 per hour. Say what???

Any way, even though I tried not to use any guys I still ended up doing so accidentally (lol). Since I've been in *New city* my stock has risen, …everyday someone asks for my number. Any way one of the guys I gave my number to called as I was doing some DIY. And I said 'Look I don't have time to talk I'm quite busy at the moment' . He seemed a bit upset and was like "what are you busy doing ?" I told him and he said well let me know if I can help. I was so not in the mood to be disturbed I lashed out and said something along the lines of "I don't need help over the phone, …what are you going to do over the phone , I need practical help from a practical man" I drop the phone. 1 hour later I get a call and he says "you live around *newtown* right ? I say yes …then he says "well I just arrived at "new town station" let me know how to get to you and what you need me to do" . Gbam just like that dude came and fixed up my flatpack bed for my room the spare room and all the dining furniture. I've decided it aint such a bad thing ...I need help and someone doesn't mind helping so no harm done.

After 4 hours or so of putting furniture together he says "that's the problem with you women, you shouldn't be doing stuff like this yourself. please just call me if you ever need too do anything like this again , I can't believe you were actually going to try to put all this up yourself" I laugh and think to myself …this dude better not think he's getting any loving because he built wardrobe …

Last day at work...well last proper day and redecorating

2008-06-04T11:46:00.004+01:00

Almost last day
I told you guys I was changing jobs and relocating I also cleverly (note sarcasm) booked a flight away on holiday for this Friday. So today I woke up and cleaned flat etc ready for next occupant, I leave work to 12noon tomorrow drive down with what’s left of my load to the new city , then the day after have to get up and be at Heathrow by 9am. I keep forgetting I’m not 18 years old any more :D

Long and short of the story ...I haven’t had time to read blogs talk less of write. 007's update message caught me at a good time though. I have handed over all my work to the new gimp LOL and I’m here sitting at my desk doing nothing and tempted to switch on my “I have left Company X please try another Gimp” message even though I’m not due to leave until tomorrow morning.

Credit Crunch
See me see trouble everyone is waiting to see what’s happening to the property market, and fool hardy me launched straight in and exchanged contracts for a flat in the new city.

Fair enough I kept haggling until the lady took £18k below her asking price, but I am still worried I will lose money on the place. But hey I have decided I needed a place to live any way, and I desperately want a place where I can paint the walls neon green and hot pink if I want. So whatever the market may be doing I think it was right for me personally to buy. Hopefully I will be there for a fair few years so even if the recession continues yes it will hurt but I hope I will still like the place and enjoy living there.

Getting my walls painted

Ok so I’m already in the process of psyching my male admirers up...Because that my house needs serious painting when I move in :D. Is it morally wrong to do this? LOL I don’t think so because after they paint they get a nice hot meal and my eternal gratitude. I think they all know what I’m doing any way because here is a slice of my conversation with one of my likes me but is firmly in friend zone admirers SJ

Unmodern: So SJ I’m limbering up for all the decorating I will have to do when I get to [New city]. The place is going to look so nice you really must come and see it before I start doing the work so you can see the progress

SJ: Are you trying to trick me into painting your walls again? Cos you remember when you moved to XXX you invited me down for a game of badminton and I ended up painting...

Unmodern: Damn LOL I nearly forgot you now ...that is so true ...that was almost 4 years ago...I’ve been busted

SJ: I reckon that's what you do ...bat your eyelids and get us guys to do all the work.

Unmodern: What am I to do ...the first time I redecorated a place by myself I nearly died from stress LOL

SJ: No worries just let me know when you want me to come paint ...as it's you...

Buahahah busted ...didn’t realise I was that transparent. I really should go find out how much decorators charge ...might well be easily affordable instead of picking up this "use guys for decorating" reputation.

Actually I’ve decided to leave SJ alone ...I called my brothers and sisters last weekend and told them I was throwing a painting party ...I will cook or order in takeaways and Pizza , and all 4 of them can come paint and chill at mine for the day. Hey why have a family of 7 if you can’t use them :D . My youngest sis was actually excited and started picking out the wall colours ...whoa slow down ...you dont get any creative control ...you just get to paint :D

My dirty Secrets

2008-05-04T18:38:00.005+01:00

Ok that was a misleading title LOL

You clicked hoping to read something salacious, but its not. It’s embarrassing but not really dirty.

1. I have never voted - To be honest I can't believe I have never voted and I'm ashamed of the fact. I studied policlinics and even took part in mock elections at school up until I was 16. But when I became enfranchised i.e. aged 18 I simply turned apathetic. I guess it’s because there is no passion in politics any more just finance. There is no difference between Labour and the conservatives ...so I can't be bothered. Yet I am still deeply ashamed of the fact that I have never voted. People fought and died for my right to vote as a woman , people fought and died for my right to vote as a black person ...why don't I vote (Well I know if they made it possible to vote online Id probably vote :D ...I'm such a loser ) I didnt vote and Boris is now Mayor ...Grrrr

2. I was picking my nose - I didn't realise I was being watched o ....yesterday I was at the gym and waiting for the trainer for the group class to arrive. I sunk intro a chair by the wall, the wall was blocking everyone from viewing me so it seemed like a good opportunity to dig for gold :D. Some cute idiot man chose that very moment to sneak up on me to say hello. WTF ...all the days I have been coming to this gym why it is when I’ve got my finger up my nose that u come up to me. Any way I formed as if I was just scratching it and smiled back sha ...I’ve never been so embarrassed I couldn’t talk to him properly because I was to busy wondering about whether or not he saw how hard I was digging. Lesson learnt wait till you get home before uhnmmmm foraging.

3. I have a date OOOOweeee . My friend introduced us. I haven’t even met him live yet and I’ve already planned our wedding on the basis of some excellent telephone conversations. LOL so this is what desperation feels like :D . LOL but that is how to set something up for failure sha . He will pick me up tomorrow and immediately my heart will sink because he won’t be in a tuxedo with a white carnation on his lapel and holding a ring . So the date will go wrong from the beginning because well except if he is taking me to a church I'm going to be as bored as hell and I won’t be able to hide it :( . He is going to think I'm not really interested ...*bangs head on wall* (ok I’m not that bad o ...just playing ...but I did really imagine us walking down the aisle based on his photo , and I debated whether or not Id keep my last name or if his last name sounded better LOL )

4. My rabbit arrived , but I’ve been too chicken to open the box

5. Ok this has nothing to do with me . Just thought Id share some interesting things I learnt about the human body whilst browsing the internet

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue
The average human will eat an average of 8 spiders while sleeping.
The average woman consumes 6lbs of lipstick in her lifetime
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ... Even your heart
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Koala and humans are the only animals with unique fingerprints.
A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories

Seeing as I have 10 pounds to lose I better find a man and get kissing away ;)

Miss Pretentious and Sorry we can't be friends

2008-05-01T15:16:00.003+01:00

Miss Pretentious

I was at a do in North London last weekend. I heard a young Nigerian lady speaking to someone else. She said "I don't know where to go to get Nigerian ingredients ..." I piped up thinking I could help...I asked "Where do you live" She said "Dartford" ". I'm like ...oh Woolwich is near you and it has a lot of Nigerian food stores out there". She looked at me with her nose in the air and said " Woolwich ???? Isn’t that a rough part ???"

Oh my Lawd ...I have never wanted to smack any one across the face so badly, but I bit my tongue (nowadays I err on the side of diplomacy) and I said ...hey watch it (in a joking manner) I used to live there. Any way if you can get up the courage to venture into the jungles of Woolwich ...you will be able to find some Nigerian Food...where do you get your Nigerian food from now ? She said "Oh there are a few places in Dartford , but fortunately for me I don’t really eat Nigerian food, but my Husband likes it so he gets to go and buy it"

This idiot ruined my afternoon . I hate coming across people who behave like that , they leave such a bad taste in my mouth . Number 1 your friggin ass lives in Dartford (just to help those who are not familiar with eth UK Dartford id not a posh or expensive area) yet you think you are too posh for Woolwich. I mean wait a friggin minute sister ...even if you lived in Kensington etc ...it is still rude/ shows ill breeding for you to open your mouth and make stupid comments like that to other people. I can understand if you say something like that jokingly amongst friends etc ...but this silly heifer was really feeling too posh for Woolwich.

That reminds me of the reason why I don't have that many female friends ...too damn pretentious . They meet you and they start eyeing you up and down ...they friggin live in Dartford and think for some reason they are elevated from others who live 10 minutes away from them ??? Weirdos ...she wasn't even good enough to shine my shoes (my shoes have trekked all over Woolwich :D )

Ok Rant over let me move on to something else....

Sorry we can't be friends

The Ex ...yes the married one really upset me this week . We have maintained a pretty much platonic friendship since we broke up ...well in the sense of no touch no see. But there was still some emotional closeness, and we talk a lot.

I had never met his wife in person, but when they got married he sent me pictures, so I have an idea what she looks like

Any way ...whilst I was out this weekend at a friend’s house (Miss X). A woman walked in. To be honest she didn’t even look familiar. There was a big crowd so I never spoke to her directly thank goodness. But I heard her mention her name from across the room. Turns out she is The Ex‘s wife. All of a sudden I recognised her from the picture. She stared at me a few times ....but that is normal ...a lot of people stare at me ;)

Any way Miss X is getting married so it occurred to me that The Ex and his wife would definitely be at the wedding. I thought it only fair to let he Ex know that I'd bumped into her. So the next time we spoke I said where Id been that weekend ...The EX said “Ohhh you know Miss X too. She is my wife’s friend ...My wife was supposed to go there this weekend but could not make it"

WTF ??? Now the reason why I brought it up was to be open so you would know I met your wife and also know that you will bump into me at the wedding. That way it doesn’t catch you off guard...I didn’t say this to him, instead I said “that is funny because I could have sworn I saw her there ...maybe it is someone who looked just like her” ...The idiot said “yeah probably some one that looked like her”

Ok ...he had to go and get high school on me. That little scene right there just killed what ever hopes I had of maintaining an adult platonic relationship with him. If you can’t be open/ mature, but keep acting as if you have something to hide then sorry, we don’t have anything to talk about going forward. We were such good friends that some where in the back of my mind I must have been hoping that there would be some way of normalising our relationship (by normalise I mean a situation where there isnt any discomfort between him and his wife or me and my partner) . Right now I’m not really interested in having anything to do with this man going forward, confidant or no confidant.

A Craving ...

2008-04-12T15:58:00.004+01:00

I like the good things, but I'm not materialistic.

Eg take my car. It is very efficient but not flashy. I can easily afford something much nicer...you know that shouts LOOK AT ME ....I HAVE ARRIVED. But each time I visit websites and see a brand new car etc something stops me. I dont really wnat it , I dont really need it.

Any way all my rambling is just to set a context/ background. I’m planning the decor for my new living room. And I thought it would be nice to have a good chess set to hand. I love playing chess, so I started looking online for a quality set, you know real hard wood etc. The budget I had in mind was around £100.

Then I saw this:

I swear I got wet ...I have never wanted anything so badly. I searched frantically for the price...it was not displayed (they said please contact us if you are interested) so I started guessing I was in trouble. It is beautiful, real crystal, hand crafted ...stunning! Also limited edition with only 10 to be made. In my head I started to rationalise, you know I'm always so sensible, I deserve a treat ...even if they say it is $1000 i.e. £500 it’s not too bad. After all a lot of women I know spend that on a handbag ...and this is something that will last longer.

I whipped myself to frenzy. I did more research and found out that of the limited edition 10, the first was commission specially for the movie Lucky Number Slevin. I didnt know that before I decided I had to have it ...but it added to the effect ;)
So I called and enquired about getting one ...Id already promised myself that I would not balk at the cost. I would just whip out my credit card and pay before I had the chance to talk myself out of it. Then they sent me the quote $7500 my heart has never sunk so fast ... £3,700??? Man I wish I was rich. I need to start working harder. I really want this and I can’t afford it ...well I could technically pay for it yes ...but really I can't afford it. Poverty is a b*tch.

Rampant Rabbit

2008-04-05T19:36:00.004+01:00

I have never masturbated

3 years ago, a male friend (well toaster) asked how often I masturbated. I said I never had ...he didn't believe me. I started wondering why I'd never touched myself ....to be honest I guess I'd just never been inclined to.

After our telephone conversation , I tried to masturbate . It didn't work . Trying to stimulate myself felt weird . Strangely I was shy to do it even though I was the only one in the room.

I didn't think much about masturbating again until recently. I was at a comedy show, and there was a brilliant female stand up who brought out a Rampant rabbit as part of her act ...I was mesmerized

She extolled its virtues , and I was sold . I wish I knew how to masturbate . It would be so liberating , I.e learning how to pleasure myself . It probably would help my sex life as well because you would probably find it easier to let a man know what pleases you if you know what it is. At the moment I don't know and I haven't explored my body at all ... so even when I'm with someone who wants to go all out for me I cant really guide them.

These gadgets are able to pulse , wave, vibrate at varying speeds all at the touch of a button. I have been online today researching / trying to see if I Can find something that will help me start / feel comfortable about masturbating. I also wanted to order a rabbit but it looks sooo big , I'm not sure if I want to start out with something that huge. I might look round for something smaller / more discreet.

Even as I type I'm not sure if I will be able to use the gadgets once they arrive .

Any hints tips or links gratefully received.

Thanks

Rats !!!

2008-04-01T20:56:00.003+01:00

See me see trouble

Rats or maybe mice got into my home!!!

I don't know how or why ....Lord help me. One of my friends said it’s because it’s the city centre, apparently rodents can be expected. The house is new build and I've only been here a year.

The worst bit is the area of the house they have infested i.e. the lower kitchen cupboards. It’s disgusting, they nibbled the potatoes, ate all the flour, and because I haven’t used the kitchen for a while (sharrap I've been busy) I didn't notice they’d been having a ball and dining like kings on my groceries. Basically I can time it because the last time I opened those cupboards was about 2 months ago so they have been feasting away for 2 months.

I bought some Rodine and laid out some baits. Then I called pest control. The pest control guy says they are coming in through a hole in the wall where the pipes come in. The pipes for the water etc, and this is routed behind the cupboard hence their direct access to my groceries. They haven't bothered to check out the rest of the house yet as they have everything they need in the cupboards.

I emptied the cupboards and left the poison inside. For the past week I have been refreshing the bait and they have been eating it ...and they are still not all gone.

I have been dreaming about rats. I can't sleep because I keep seeing visions of them running upstairs , I’m scared to go into my kitchen incase they come out.

3 days ago I decided to leave some bait around the rest of the house, you know just to check if they visit any where else ...and BAM!!! Yesterday the bait in the bathroom was eaten so the little buggers have started leaving the cupboards. I'm not going to be able to sleep today either because there is a door connecting the bathroom to my bedroom. I did some research and they can gnaw anything that is softer than their teeth. They can also survive in a freezer and love to eat frozen food. They can climb / jump up to 12 ft.

I feel like crying . The worst bit is that the pest contrail guy said he couldn't block the hole they are coming through . He also said 'It will be bad if they get into the ceiling , because it would mean we have to take the whole ceiling down '

Lord have mercy !!!

Ooops!

2008-03-29T07:39:00.011Z

"Hypnotized
In a trance

From this body, so butter and brown and tantalizing

You would have thought I needed help from this feeling that I felt

So shook I had to catch my breath

Oops!!"

I love myself !!! (no not in the 'M' word way that Tweet meant it ) LoL

I'm not vain (before you start worrying) , I'm actually very down to earth and practical, but I would be silly not to appreciate the extra time God took in creating me ;) .

If you met me 10 years ago, you wouldn't be speaking to this body confident person. I was obese, weighed in at 18 stone and wore a size 26. The only place where I could shop were Evans and Etam and I lived in huge flowy skirts and tent shirts ... apologies to any fat folks out there, but it was a disaster !

I worked really hard to look the way I do now, so forgive me for feeling special. I did a 360 ...and its now strange because I am so unforgiving of obesity. Yes its hard work losing weight. I still work hard because all i have to do is look at a cake and I gain a pound (doesn't stop me though because I eat my cakes and then hit the gym). I look stunning, I walk in a room and most people look (well they used to look when I was fat , but this time they look for the right reasons). I take pleasure in maintaining the beautiful and well oiled engine that is me.

When I read stories like the ones below I really don't understand it

34-stone woman dies after becoming fused to the fabric
"A 34-stone American woman who had not left her sofa in six years died this week after becoming fused to the fabric.
Gail Grinds, 40, whose skin had actually grown into the cushions of the seat, passed away in hospital after paramedics attempted to cut her out of it.
Emergency"

Half Ton Mum

In the case of the half ton mum she was involved in a car crash which reduced her mobility for some time, but in my view that was not enough reason to let herself go . I also have a good friend who is obese but blames it on medication that she is taking to battle an illness. There is no excuse whatsoever ; I'm sorry but are you the first one to be incapacitated by a car crash , or are you the only one on that medication? why don't all the other people who have shared your circumstances weigh 40 stone?. If I as a teenager (I was 18 when I decided to take control ) can spot I have a problem and do something about it then these people have no excuse.

What is wrong with these people? Do they hate themselves ???

Any way forgive me for loving me so much.

Unmodern

Confusion ....

2008-03-09T19:05:00.004Z

Man
I got a call yesterday. It was a voice I couldn't place. When the call came through I was standing outside with the mechanic who had dropped by to inspect my car. I said 'sorry who is this?' he replied 'what do you mean who is this ...you mean you don't know my voice?' Gosh how I hate it when people do that. But at that moment I didn’t have time to guess ...the mechanic was standing right in front of me, so I said I'd call him in 5 minutes. I called it was THE EX ...when I say THE EX ...I mean the significant EX. I was in love with him, he was in love with me, life happened and it didn't work out (Ill save the jist for another day). We stayed friends (we were always best friends whilst we dated) but after we split up I had to distance myself, mostly because it was too hurtful. He is one of the reasons why I'm single today ...I mean 5 years later and still no one else comes close.

We speak a little.

The Ex: I really should come and visit you ...I have never been to {Unmodern's location}
Unmodern: (I feel myself panicking but I say) really
The Ex: Except if I'm not welcome...
Unmodern: You are always welcome; just let me know when you want to come
(In my head I'm thinking, why do you want to come see me? what do you wnat now?)

Now the last time I saw The Ex was 3 years ago. It was the same type of call. The day before he arrived I came home to a dozen white roses, some champagne, and a box of Thornton’s truffles. He's always been romantic. He spoke about being confused and not being sure if he was doing the right thing ...he said he didn’t want to burden me with the details, but he needed to see me one last time. A month later he called and invited me to his wedding. I wished him well but did not attend.

Now out of the blue he wants to visit and I'm letting him ...boyyyy I'm confused

Car
I have a car, but I don’t drive it because I can’t be arsed. I take a taxi or walk pretty much every where. So my car has been sitting in my drive for the past year. 6 months ago I forgot I even had a car and accordingly I stopped going to warm it up and the battery went flat, and now it needs its MOT done. The mechanic came yesterday and jump started it apparently I need to change all 4 tyres and it should pass its MOT the only problem is the tyres which are worn down.

The mechanic said 'Do you want part one tyres' I say 'it depends on the cost' he says they cost around £25 each. I'm like £100 for all 4 tyres?? Sounds good!!! (Last time I bought a tyre I called the AA and it cost me £65 for 1 tyre.

Any way the mechanic leaves and I start to wonder what 'Part one' tyre means. So I call my friend who knows everything about these things and he laughs and says 'Part one means second hand'

Any way I like the price of second hand tyres but I don't know if they will be safe or if they will last in the long run ...I'm confused

Job
I was offered a new job in a different city. It should be a 'No brainier’. It pays 50% more than I earn now, it’s in a city where I have lots of friends, and my prospective employers seem really nice and really want me on board.

But I’ve been too chicken to resign. I’ve been sitting on the offer for 4 weeks now. And when they started pushing for my reference I told them I hadn’t resigned yet as the person I wanted to tell first was on holiday.

I love my current job. Yes I’ve had a few patchy bits recently (see http://totallyunmodern.blogspot.com/2008/02/miss-not-so-perfect.html ) but all in all they have been very fair to me. I'm worried out leaving. I can’t believe I can’t resign. I thought I really wanted to make a move but it’s proving hard

I’ve told myself I have to resign tomorrow ...but that what I said on Friday and I had the resignation letter burning a hole in my purse all day on Friday but didn’t actually resign ...I'm confused ...

Indecent Proposals

2008-02-25T10:50:00.009Z

It is Saturday. I have just left the gym and switch on my phone. I have a message so it is flashing.

Message: Unmodern, its Fonzo here, I'm in London, please give me a call.

I chuckle, because the last time I heard that voice he was angry and telling me he didn’t think we should ever speak again. So I press 5 to return the call.

Unmodern: Fonzooooo, so you are speaking to me again??
Fonzo: {laughs} I have forgiven you now that was your fault. You were playing with my emotions. You led me on then said you weren’t doing again after you found out I was married.
Unmodern: Na wa o. Good to hear from you sha ...How long are you in Town for?
Fonzo: Just for the weekend, I go back to Lagos in 2 days. Where are you, are you in town?
Unmodern: No I'm in {unmodern's location}
Fonzo: Please come to London, I want to see you
Unmodern: Sorry, that is so not in my plans for this weekend. I had a hard week, and I am looking forward to just chilling out.
Fonzo: Ok let me come and see you then
Unmodern: I'd say yes, but I don't want wahala. If you promise to behave maybe you can come hang out.
Fonzo: What do you mean by behave. I can't get naked?
Unmodern: definitely no nakedness, and no other type of misbehaving
Fonzo: Why are you always acting so harsh?
Unmodern: What do you mean by harsh? , yes you may be my friend, but you are a married man
Fonzo: You don start again with all this married business, what does that have to do with anything. You think all these single men are going to love you? you need to wake up , they can't give you the kind of attention that I will give you.
Unmodern: Really? {Laughs}
Fonzo: So any way how much does the train ticket from London to cost?
Unmodern: £40
Fonzo: No wonder you can't come ...that is pricey ...can we split it?
Unmodern: {deep belly laugh} aren’t you the one that’s a celebrity DJ? You can't pay £40 for a train ride?
Fonzo: its unplanned expenditure now ...you know I'm from Nigeria ...besides you are the {unmodern’s profession} you guys are rolling in dough
Unmodern: That's bullshit. LOL ...I don't even know if to laugh or cry. I have a friend in London whose boyfriend in Nigeria pays her rent ...so which kind of excuse is 'I'm from Nigeria'
Fonzo: Na me be your papa?? ...why I go pay your rent?
Unmodern: I'm not asking you or anyone else to pay my rent; I can take care of myself. I'm just letting you know that hardworking men in Nigeria don't need to ask for £20 contribution towards a train ride.
Fonzo: {laughs} you dey insult me abi? Wait until I catch you. Any way I'll see if I can raise the £40. The problem is over here, I have no ATM card or bank, just the fixed amount of currency I came with and it is already allocated.
Unmodern: No yawa. You can try busking on the underground. Those people make mad money ...just take your decks there spin some naija tunes like Kokomaster and I'm sure you will have raised enough within an hour

LOL ...sorry I just thought this conversation was too funny. I'm trying to decide which of the proposals was more indecent. A married man hitting on me, or a grown man trying to get me to contribute £20 towards his train fare?

Answers on a post card please!!!!!

(PS heres more information on busking on the London underground if any other men out there need to raise £20 ...definitely do not ask me ... My mama didn't raise no fool :D ) http://www.tfl.gov.uk/corporate/projectsandschemes/communityandeducation/2435.aspx

Eat and Run

2008-02-23T08:43:00.001Z

I've been a victim.

it’s the first time it has happened to me ...

I did not plan on going out yesterday. I was going to leave work early, go to the gym and then stay home and watch a movie. I have a friend coming down to visit for the weekend plus I had a bit of insomnia the night before and was tired as f***k so I was not trying to exhaust myself.

I get a call at my desk and it’s my friend ND. "Hey we haven't hung out in a while, lets meet up, we simply must do drinks later" Fast forward to after work, and I'm sitting in a bar with her and like 10 of her work colleagues (it started out as a smaller group, but people kept joining us) I got in 1st round (just hers and mine) and then the second, I didn't really mind its just drinks and I can afford it.

Then I'm ready to go home. I'm hungry and I'm already dreaming about the beans and pepper my mum made for me. (Beans is my favourite food: D) Mum fries the pepper for hours and its gorgeous. Then ND suggests we leave the pub to eat. I wrinkle my nose because nothing anyone is going to serve me at this point in time is going hit the spot like the beans and pepper I have at home. But she keeps trying to persuade me, and I decide not to be a spoil sport and agree to go get some food. ND asks "what do you fancy" and I say ... "oh anything homely" (still thinking about my beans)

So ND leads me to this Indian/ Nepalese fusion restaurant; I’ve never been there before. She vouches it’s nice because she has eaten there before. I shrug and follow; I'm too tired to care.

She recommends some stuff from the menu, I follow her lead ...it looks a bit pricey for a after the pub kind of meal, but it won't break the bank. We have a lovely dinner ...and some good conversation.

Then we finish eating. I mean we did Poppadums, starters, mains, desert and coffee, and we were at the restaurant at 8.30 it was now 10.55 so a good 2.5 hours.

The waiter starts clearing the coffee cups ... ND looks at her watch and says "gosh my bus arrives in 4 minutes" she brings out a bank card and waves it in the air .....I think to myself ok I guess we better ask for the bill ...I turn to the waiter "May we have the bill please?"

Then ND stands up... "Oh gosh that is the last bus, if I miss it I won't be able to get home". Normally I'd interrupt, and say “I'll take care of it run along” ...but I have no intention of doing so, because I know it’s going to be a big one tonight, plus this heifer dragged me here when all I was looking forward to was my peppered beans and a DVD. So I keep quiet, but there’s a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, because I realise that I'm about to be stitched up ...I can see it coming.

The bill arrives and ND is still at the table. The waiter tries to hand her the bill I’m guessing because she is standing up, and also because she did all the ordering, but she points at me and says “Ohhhh my bus my bus my bus” so he hands it to me instead. She doesn’t even make a start to check it, instead she turns to the waiter and asks if he can break her £10 for the bus (they don’t give change on the bus). The waiter disappears to go get her the coins. She stands at the table for another 5 minutes.

I keep quiet and don't point out that she has missed her bus already, because 10 minutes ago she said it was arriving in 4 minutes, I also don't point out that in the time its taken her to break her £10 she could have paid her share of the bill or at least said something about treating me to dinner next time or repaying. Instead she flaps around arranging her woolly hat, scarf, and her coat and generally acting like she is in a rush. LOL ...its like I'm in a comedy, and I play along because:
1. I can take the hit (best believe if it was like 5 years ago and I was still a broke ass , I'd have held her cloth…who the hell does she think is going to wash dishes here tonight)
2. I am genuinely finding her amusing ...in fact I feel like giggling at how ridiculous she is being.

Then she runs over to the waiter collects her coins, waves at me and looks at her watch then runs out of the restaurant. Buahahahah , now I can start laughing. I give the waiter my card and pay the bill.

Miss Not So Perfect

2008-02-21T21:46:00.008Z

I’m not perfect …okay I said it :D

The catalyst for this realisation was …uhhhm I got criticised at work this week LOL

Don’t get me wrong …I always knew I wasn’t perfect …but I was reminded of the fact this week.

I was working on a project (I won’t go into too much detail as I’m trying to remain anonymous) and I got everything right, but apparently missed out a key/core/ basic bit. With what I do / my current level I have to get my work signed off, so I got motioned over by my Boss and we go into a meeting room.

Boss: Ok let’s go through this
Unmodern: Okay
Boss: Please take a look at this and tell me there is a release in there, I don’t think I saw one, but please prove me wrong
Unmodern: (takes a look at the paperwork with a sinking feeling… thumbs through the papers and says) Now that you mention it, I do not recall a release
Boss: This is unacceptable. I really wanted you to show me a release, because I can’t believe you were ready to complete this without a release
Unmodern: (keeps quiet and avoids eye contact)
Boss: I don’t understand, what is wrong, are you finding it hard to concentrate? please tell me what I can do to help you? Would it help if I drew up a check list for you?
Unmodern: (at the mention of drawing up a checklist I realise that Bossman isn’t playing this time …the moment these Oyinbos start offering to help you to that extent ,…just know you are SCREWED ,…he is basically saying …I don’t trust you to improve on your own )
Boss: At your last appraisal I was singing your praises, but obviously, for you to miss something like the absence of a release, I obviously misjudged your strength, at this level we shouldn’t be having this type of discussion
Unmodern: (coin drops that Boss probably thinks my silence means I am not taking the issue seriously enough and now he wants to escalate it, so I look him in the eye and say) Boss I see your point, and you are right, that was something basic that I should not have missed, I will work on it and maybe we can review this again in a month or so
Boss: Ok this just should not be happening. This is a stage when I want to stop signing off your work and give you more responsibility, this omission sets us back, I don’t want to have to start going through everything
Boss: Ok that was the major point, lets discuss the project, are you okay to continue discussing this or do u need some time?
Unmodern: (Ok I guess some peeps would have been crying by now or at least shaken. I am very sober, but I already made my mind up a long time ago that when it comes to employment …na use me I use u God no go vex …so I don’t treat any job like its my lifeline …I don’t want to get fired but I’m not going to start crying either)
Unmodern: No please carry on
Boss and Unmodern discuss project , Boss gives Unmodern 24 hours to implement suggestions , Unmodern realising that she needs to start impressing him again (having undone the past 2 years of impressing him with one silly mistake) turns it around in under 2 hours

The fact that he didn’t take up my suggestion to review my progress again in a month’s time gave me some comfort that he wasn’t trying to ‘manage me out’ LOL …google "managing out" I don't have time 2 explain it

Ok so I have decided to stop playing at work …I was probably reviewing the paper work and reading blogs, and yakking on my mobile at the same time :D . If I was going to be at this job for another year or so it wouldn’t matter because there would be enough time to shine my reputation again. But I plan on resigning to take up another opportunity soon, and I can not afford to leave a bad rep... I have enjoyed working with them and it is important that they keep their high estimation of me even when I'm gone.

Point: YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST JOB/ SUCCESS

Boss is starting to smile small small again sha …LOL

Things Men Say

2008-02-17T10:42:00.000Z

Today I was just thinking about some laughable situations I have been in with men and just though I’d share

There was this guy who had been on my case for years ManU (he is crazy about Manchester United). I’m talking seriously ...ManU never missed birthday or an opportunity to show me he cared. ManU would post me compilation CDs (that was soo cute, because last time someone did me a mix tape was back in high school). On a brief hiatus I decided that as I wasn't meeting any men I was interested in maybe it was time to re-examine these men that I automatically dismiss but who so obviously care.

When I told ManU I had just moved into a new place and was decorating, he offered to drive down to help. I thought okay maybe this is an opportunity to get to know him better ...and of course also get my walls painted :D. So the weekend came, we had a great time. He was a great guy he painted the living room, whilst I painted the kitchen. He set up my IKEA wardrobe ...LOL I don’t know how I would have managed that if he wasn’t there because it was a monstrous wardrobe (triple door). He helped me get my washing machine upstairs and connected the plumbing. He sorted out the light fixtures, and when I wanted to fix him a nice dinner to thank him, he wouldn’t let me and he insisted we go out as we had both been working hard.

Any way I started thinking how foolish I was to have overlooked this good man. Okay fair enough he was not everything I thought I wanted in a man but from his persistence in trying to win my attention over the 3 years that I’d known him it would be safe to say he would be caring and loving. So with these thoughts I went to bed smiling ...after setting ManU up in the second bedroom. At 1am there is a knock on my door. I wake up still sleepy.

Unmodern: Hey ManU are you okay?
ManU: I can’t sleep
Unmodern: (lets ManU in to the room) I know it’s been a long day. Probably the long drive here yesterday and then all the work we did today.
ManU: Yeah maybe
Unmodern: Should I fix you something to drink? ...I have some cocoa
ManU: No, I just want to talk to you. Seriously I don’t know why you won’t give me a chance. You know I like you, yet you prefer to remain alone ...or at least you keep saying you are single
Unmodern: I think I’m just waiting for the right person ...the right time
ManU: so what is wrong with me? Do you think I am ugly?
Unmodern: of course you are not ugly
ManU: I want to treat you right
Unmodern: Thank you ManU ...I think you are a great guy ...but with me sometimes it takes time
ManU: I want to drink from your furry cup
Unmodern: (yikes!!!!...ok now I’m awake) what did you say???
ManU: Let me drink from your furry cup
ManU: Don’t worry you will enjoy it
Unmodern: (I really want to start laughing ...but he looks so serious that I just say) Err thank you very much but no one is drinking from my cup today

The next day I Googled ‘Furry Cup’ just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood. Lawd have mercy...I haven’t seen ManU again since then. We are still friendly and talk once in a while, but that I want to drink from your furry cup business totally killed it for me.

What was I supposed to say to that? ‘Yes here’s my cup ...drink away? ....abeg...do peeps actually proposition each other like that? Or is it just me being a prude?

Dubious Honour

2008-02-09T09:56:00.000Z

What is going on? Ok this is probably more like a personal rant. Double D (DD) told me today that she was getting married. Here is the exact MSN conversation:

DD: go get ur hat I'm getting married
Unmodern: who to?
DD: somebody
Unmodern: send me a postcard when u know who 8-)
DD: ode… is that the congratulations I get
Unmodern: I only have one knockem dead dress o ...if someone else books it opari ...Ill just send u wedding card
DD: infact i'll demote u o
Unmodern: buahahah too late
DD: fu*
Unmodern: u no see as I demoted myself
Unmodern: lol
DD: winch
DD: lemme go and get my other friends then
Unmodern: spilllll
DD: i'll gist u later
Unmodern: NOW NOW NOW
Unmodern: Is it someone I like?
Unmodern: tease
{insert conversation that convinces Unmodern that DD is not joking}
Unmodern: looking fwd to it
DD: is that all u can say??
Unmodern: U don’t deserve more than looking forward to it then. Cos 10 minute ago Id have said u were single
DD: kinda kept this one under wraps
Unmodern: na wa o :D congratulations and it better not be a joke
{Insert more banter}
Unmodern: so who is XXX?
Unmodern: do a quick 5 minute intro so I can start feeling happy 4 u
{Subsequent conversation DD jists Unmodern about XXX, Unmodern lets go of her annoyance/hurt and they start planning the wedding}

I was weak

WTF??? Don't get me wrong I am totally happy for her, in fact I suspect I might get asked to be maid of honour (the last time she was supposed to get married I was asked) My shock is the fact that as close as we are (maybe I'm deluding myself about the strength of our friendship) I had never heard of XXX. What a dubious honour …I’ll be at your back at the altar trying to crane my neck to see her husband’s face cos I aint met the bruvver before.

Why is everyone being so secretive, or am I just naive?? I have another friend who is doing the same thing. This time we all know her boyfriend, but the only reason why I know she is getting married/ has gotten engaged is because her mum and my mum are friends and her mum told my mum in excitement. It’s been 6 months now and I’m still waiting for her to share the news (I decided to keep schtum about it because I’m learning more about people everyday and would rather she told me herself when she is ready instead of accosting her saying ‘so I hear you got engaged’).

Also was invited to a wedding 2 weeks ago where the maid of honour who called to sort out the aso ebi (wedding outfit) couldn’t give me the low down on our friend’s man because she hadn’t known anything about him until she got asked to be maid of honour.

My precious sisters I will love you and support you regardless …I’m just perplexed what is the reason for the secrecy????

Reverse Dumping

2008-02-02T05:43:00.001Z

This is when a man wants out of the relationship, but doesn't want to be the one to break it off. How did I find out about this phenomenon???...well I have brothers!! In my view we owe it to ourselves and other women to expect the best from our brothers and sons, so when I found out my brother was two-timing his girl I challenged him. I asked him why he wasn't open with Girl1 if things were not working out.

His response was that a gentleman never dumps a girl. You let her do the dumping, that way there's less bitterness etc. How do you do this? Well when you lose interest, you stop calling, stop paying attention etc she will take the hint and eventually dump you. Because she makes the decision she feels less bitter about it. (I don't agree with this at all ...because I have seen some needy women cling on for dear life even when it is obvious that the man is not interested, and I have seen the men let them because oh well its sex/cooking/attention on tap for the asking even when they are not feeling the girl)

So ladies, if you have ever dumped a man and he looked like he was waiting for it, expecting it, or he doesn't protest/ protests half heartedly ...sorry to break it to you, but you were probably reverse dumped LOL

Why this topic? Well I'm about to be reverse dumped!! I still haven't seen 'a one' yet, but when next I see him I will have all the DVDs he has loaned me to hand (no don't worry I'm not being petty. He is a collector, and I know if I don’t return them he will be thinking about those DVDs long after I'm gone but will be too polite to ask for them back)

It hurts. I will tell him its over and he will not protest, he may not even ask why. He may say something like 'are you sure?' just to play his part. Or even if he asks why, after listening to my reasons he may say something like 'I respect your decision' :(

He swept me off my feet when we first met ...and went out of his way to woo me and impress me. He got my attention, and then he just switched off. What kind of evil b****** does that to a woman?

Any way I'll be the one saying the words, but I know I’m the one being dumped.

Train Wreck

2008-01-26T21:11:00.001Z

Its 2 for 1 today because I forgot to publish my last post till I logged in to write this one :D

I'm a little bit forlorn. I have been wanting desperately to meet someone I connect with, someone who I can partner with ...I thought I'd met him ...

You remember 'a one' the borderline ugly guy I was scared to fall for. Well thank goodness I stopped myself from falling ....I really do not get the guy.

So this is him when he asked me out "I am going to ask you to be my girlfriend ...I'm asking straight out because I don't want any ambiguity. I take you seriously and I want to get it right from the onset" well not word for word ...something along those lines ...I thought it was soo charming ...I giggled poked him in the ribs and said "Are you asking me to go steady with you ...like exclusive?" He said "yes ...I really like you, and with someone like you there's so much going on around you that I want to know where we are"

I loved it that he asked me that way...personally the hardest thing for me when it comes to relationships is letting go of my caution. Boy ohhh boy am I cautious ...I'm like really guarded ...and with reason ...I used to think it was because I was hard , but I realise its the total opposite . I'm so vulnerable ...when I love I love really hard ...so it hurts really hard ...so I tend to stay aloof and whilst I might be dating a man I do not really get involved until I'm sure ..you know sure he cares. Being aloof means he can be a jerk ,and it doesn't matter to me because well I never expected any better. When we part, I sigh with relief because all the while I was waiting for him to do something wrong ...and even when he doesnt I make up some reasonas why he doesn't fit and then get out. I know recipie for a miserable love life

Any way long story short ..'a one' sold me,and I decided to let go of my caution ...I opened up (well maybe a little to much) I started caring about how he felt, and wondering if I was caring too much. I feel like a wreck ....I can feel him pulling away from me (surprise surprise ...why does that always happen just as you give them your heart). Any way I think he is probably seeing someone else because I feel a little bit like a mistress. I guess we women always know :) ...you know he never calls me at the weekends any more ...and when I call his phone is off (like who switches off their phone all weekend ). He tries not to intrude and tries not to disturb me and he makes a big show of this ...I thin this is because he does not want me to disturb him or intrude on him . Gosh this feels like a train wreck .

This is the other reason why I don't do relationships ...I hate feeling so vulnerable. I'm thinking I should talk to him about it?. Hopefully its just me being insecure and there's nothing more to it. But I don't want to come across as clingy ...OK this really isn't working... I want to know so I can stop wasting my time ... I'll talk to him on Monday when he switches his phone back on.

Bringing strays home

2008-01-22T08:21:00.001Z

I think I found a puppy. I say think , because unlike my friend's pets this one is older than I am

Ok he is like a year older, but he acts 5 years younger ...does that count ? :D

He is really cute ...unfortunately he is also a lot shorter (5'8 ) ...its been a while since I've tried dating shorter men . I tried it last when I was 19 years old and then decided never again. Just too much hassle ...and besides they make me feel like a giant. Much easier to go for guys who are taller than I am ...that way I can get to play all feminine.

Any way he shall hence forth be known as 'Puppy' . Puppy is unusual ...he is the most sensitive man I have ever met ...LOL . I kind of like it though ...because I am the total opposite ...actually I lie ...I am very sensitive ...what I mean is I am not expressive . So when I hurt no one knows about it ...but Puppy is quite open ...Its only been two weeks and Ive already seen him near to tears. I say I like it because I am trying to learn to be more expressive ...when you keep everything bottled up no one can get close to you ...and I am trying to let people in / get close to people (not just men ...even my female friends too )

Where does Puppy get his money from ??? I am afraid to ask properly ...because I think it will mean the end of our short friendship . He doest actually work or seem to run a business but he has a nice car , expensive flat and at least 3 homes that I know of . One good thing though ...I don't think its drug money :D LOL ...I already asked what he does for a living , and he has gone back to school part time and does the books at a store part time . Now I know those two part times don't add up to nice car , nice house etc ...I am staying positive and will probe a bit more once we get more comfy with each other . Me I cant afford to hang with criminals/ mafioso types o ..but he could never ...you should see him he is sooo cute ...I'll be really heartbroken if he is not making a legitimate living :(

I just feel like writing 1

2008-01-07T23:14:00.000Z

You are reading my blog?? ....Yay...so my blog gets read ?. I don't know if you remember starting a blog ...but did you nearly delete it because you thought no one was reading and you might as well just keep a journal?. Well I did ...I was like what's the difference, I'm the only one reading it...then I decided it didn't really matter ... and now EUREKA you (yes you gorgeous you) are reading my drivel ;)

The best thing about blogging so far is getting to give people silly names :D ...to be honest I don't really need to anonymize anyone ...I just like the silly names ..I'm not yet sure what name to give the 'a one' I spoke about in my last post ...I'm still thinking ...

Emotional intelligence ...very important. In fact it is kind of hard to get ahead without it. I consider myself to be emotionally astute. I.e always know when people are not fond of me ...I may not know what to do to change it but the fact that I know helps.

There is a woman where I work I'll call her Vixen . Yes I'm loathe to admit it but the girl is fine (in the flat English ironing board sense of the word). For some reason we do not get along. I'm guessing 50% of the problem is that she sizes people up very quickly ...but she couldn't really do that with me.

You see I'm Black... but yet my accent is as posh as hers, I earn as much , I'm just as fine (even though she might not think so ...deep within her she knows) ...we are so similar but she can not relate to me because ...well I'm Black. We were at a party, and I spotted her staring at me, she could see me chatting and relating to other people and I saw her draw near wanting to hear what was being said ...because in her own little head she could not phantom what it could be that anyone else could possibly be saying to me ...well I'm Black. Bless her heart ...initially she would try to make small talk ...I could see her struggling with her prejudices ...she didn't want to accept that the reason why she didn't like me was because I was Black. So sometimes she's seek me out in an attempt to get to know me ...I felt sorry for her so I'd try to be accommodating. Girl I know we have only just met, but I have been dealing with you for years. I know you and I know your fears. I can sit here and pity you because I know what you don't. You see girl ...I am not displaced ... I have never been enslaved, my Black friends friends have PHDs, Dr, Msc, Bsc and £000,000, 000s (in Jesus name LOL) after their names. The only thing that stops me feeling that I am better than you and worth more than you is my humility and my faith. I walk with grace , and kind of like I own the place, and that confuses you??? ...well sorry to break it to you its cos I'm Black.

LOL...or maybe its me with the problem? seeing black shadows when ever I turn around? ...who knows ...but I'm so nice and luvable that its all on her ...Ok maybe its not cos I'm Black ...but all these Oyinbos get issues.

Ugly Babies

2008-01-06T16:20:00.000Z

I've met some one who could be "the one"... well I don't really believe in there being a "the one" maybe more "a one" I.e there is more than one person out there who can be a perfect match for you, or who can match your soul.

Well I think I've met one of them, but I don't know if to take it further or let him go. He is tall (er than me), successful , confident , well groomed, good taste (well obviously if he is courting me ;) ), super intelligent, God fearing (he actually sets an alarm for prayer time), generous, totally into me ....

The problem is he is not errr exactly pretty. Don't get me wrong , you would have to think a bit before you decided that he was ugly...I guess he is best described as a borderline case.

Now it doesn't matter to me that he is unpretty, in fact the more time I spend with him the more attracted I am to him. I only see his good features. He has a great body...lean and athletic.

My main concern is the kids . I can see my self falling for him, but will I love ugly babies ???

Sigh! My parents are good looking , my siblings are good looking, my friends are good looking ... sorry ...am I starting to sound a bit shallow??? Its just that growing up when I imagined my family I always pictured my daughter being as cute (if not cuter) than I am you know my little girl was to get my almond shaped eyes and my perfect white teeth. My sons were to be tall,strong handsome men ... I'm not too sure I will get all that if I give this man a chance.

Will I be happy wiping snot off an ugly kid's nose?, holding a fierce looking baby up to my breasts to suckle?

I mean if Heidi Klum was not spared then what chance have I got ...

http://www.thesuperficial.com/2005/10/19/heidi_klum_has_an_ugly_baby.html#comment

God why didn't you send a good looking "a one" my way? Why are all the good looking men vacuous and un-inspiring ?...Life sucks !

Younger Men

2008-01-03T15:40:00.002Z

My friend ...lets call her Macy has always been into younger men. She says they are so sweet ...and you can still teach them. Any way when she got married she was 30 and her hubby was 24.

My other friend Kitty (yup purrs like a cat :D) has just started down this road too. We both bumped into a boy (ok unfair to call him boy) a man we knew at Uni (I'll call him Puppy) who was a couple of years below us. Well we bumped into him on facebook ...he added me and Kitty sends me a message: "Ohhh Unmodern ...I see Puppy added you ...wow ...he is sooo sexy now. I always knew he would be hot ...are you gonna pull him???" Me: "ewww" he is young ...besides he is not my type" Kitty: "Well if you won't pull him ...I will"

Next thing I see a notification Kitty and Puppy are now friends ...I think to myself "poor Puppy"

So Kitty emails to say she is visiting London ...she tells me not to worry about how we are meeting up ...because Puppy will drive her every where during her visit. Don't get me wrong Puppy is like 25/26 and works in investment banking so he is not a wet behind the ears... he has theatre tickets booked, lovely dinners lined up and was completely devoted and adoring during her visit.

So I started thinking ...I WANT MY OWN PUPPY. Now normally once a guy is younger or dressed ridiculously (you know with the boxers showing, or trying to look like an American rapper) then I don’t give them the time of the day.

Any way Xmas eve and I’m at a party ...this really young looking man pulls my hand as I walk by ...he looks Puppy like so I decide to see what he has to say instead of blanking him immediately. His wing man says "hey he wants to talk to you don’t walk way now" ...so I stop. He is like "You know you are the prettiest woman in this room" ...and I’m thinking ...well at least he makes sense :D LOL. I say "really??" ...he says "yes really" I ask his name and he tells me ...then I can’t help my self I say "how Old are you?" he says "26" ...I smile ..."I'm 27" and he says "those are just numbers ...and don't dismiss me just because I'm here and I'm young...there’s more to it than that”. Oh wow ...good comeback ...any way I’m mischievous...so I say I'll see him around and I walk away.

Any way it’s an hour later and he finds me ..."Don't run way again...can I please have your number so we can talk?" I think well I'm being silly 26 is basically the same as 27 ...so I oblige....

Next day ...my phone rings ...Its Pup (well I thought I'd better name him. Kitty has her Puppy so I'll just call him Pup) It’s a brief conversation and half way through he says "Is this Unmodern??" I’m say "Of course who else" Pup says "well sorry it’s just you sound really different" I say "well it’s me...Unmodern". The conversation ends. I’m thinking well I guess I was using my business tone ...and I sounded more grown up than he expected...the conversation was awkward :D ...now I'm thinking Pup probabaly lied about being 26 ...he sounds more like he is 24.

I go out again at the weekend. I spot Pup in the corner. He doesn’t come up to me. By chance we pass each other and we say hello ...he looks nervous. I'm not quite sure if it’s the fact that I'm, 6'2 tall (with my heels) :D or if it’s the maturity thing, or that a lot of money is being spent on my table (well a couple of men kept my champagne glass topped up all night), and when you get me and my girls together it can be intimidating.

Any way fast forward to today. I just got out of a meeting and I get a text. I reproduce it word for word:

"Hey girl' wasz up everything Kris? Holla back. Pup"

Holla Back?? Everything Kris??? I dont know what Kris means ...but gosh I really can’t do this puppy thing!!!!

Is it in his eyes?

2007-12-31T15:24:00.000Z

When I took to blogging I thought I wanted to write about intimacy issues, but I realised I was just going through one of those down moments. My issues are typical and easily resolved (well that's my current line of thinking) so let me just jist u about whatever I guess ...

About my second kiss... you are going to think I'm a lil psycho cos I was surrounded by nice young men wanting my attention , but I was so shy of being inexperienced and messing up or being awkward around them that I kept on experimenting on blokes I met online. I could be silly; stupid; awkward; not know how to kiss, and it didn't matter because they were easy to cut off as they were not a part of my real life. Whereas, if I was fumbly and naive around someone in my social circle or someone at Uni I'd keep bumping into them. At the time I felt I was soo behind... my lack of contact with boys was like a disability I kept trying to hide.

Any way you guessed right ...my second kiss was a guy off the net. for reasons that will later become apparent I'll call him Belly. So I met Belly in a chatroom , once again he was older I was 20 and he was ...well he said he was 30 ...but I'm guessing he was actually closer to 40..but I'm not going to split hairs (because he didn't have any LOL )

He was a shrewd guy , into fashion and publishing...hee hee a little strange to me though as he had weird cheiftaincy chair in his house. I'm thinking ooooookay, you were awarded a cheiftancy in some village in Nigeria whats the cheiftaincy chair and horse hair thing (looks like a feather duster made out of horse hair) doing all the way in yous poxy London flat???

I digress ...I'll fast forward. My first fumble ...on a couch ...he pulled me on top of him in an awkward hug/ cuddle ...I say awkward because it was like being on a see-saw. You wouldn't think to look at him form afar that his belly was sooo big ... it was a spherical dome ...and here was I balanced precariously on it. I couldn't help but giggle hysterically . He looks up (my laughter is infectious so he is laughing too even though he is not quite sure whats making me laugh) and asks me 'babe whats funny?' I roll myself off his belly and keep laughing. Some more attempts to hug etc ...but his belly kept getting in the way ...by this time I'm in stitches I mean imagine having to lean across a belly divide to hug someone properly, it was comical. Any way I suggest we go out to dinner to save myself, and we do.

Fast forward again, this time to the kiss. After the comedy hour at his flat, I knew the kiss would not be great ...but even I was not expecting what followed. He drove me to my cousin's place (this was summer time and I was crashing with them for the duration). He stops the car and pulls me towards him ...I know whats coming so I resist cos I already have a feeling it wont be great (and this time there is no bathroom for me to run to for a quick rinse). He is persistent, so I think OK what the heck ...I'll just give this a go. So he has my head locked in his palms, looks into my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am...I smile...and he leans in, his lips brush mine briefly then my lips part, yielding to the thrust of his tongue ....then n.o.t.h.i.n.g

He still has my head locked in his hands, and his tongue just sits firmly in my mouth ...motionless. It is only my second time kissing, but from the movies (thank you Hollywood) and my crappy first kiss ...even I know there is supposed to be some motion after you put your tongue in someones mouth. To save the situation, I make an attempt at some tongue action but instead of kissing back he simply stiffens his tongue even more. Gosh !!! (e pass my power o ), I wrestle my way out of the headlock, thank him for dinner and then run in as fast as I can. Seriously ...it was a while before I would attempt this kissing malarkey again.

Ps dealing with Belly taught me a big lesson about Internet dating safety. He had picked me up from school for our date before taking me to my cousin's, and when I tried to cut him off he wouldn't take no for an answer. I mean what was a dead fish kiss for me must have been something amazing for him (he actually got me wondering if traditional Africans by traditional I mean 'older' actually french kiss etc). When school got back in a couple of months later he would drive all the way from London to camp out outside my flat. Its the only time I have ever been grateful for having flatmates...after his fifth night outside my flat I had to let them know what was going on because I was scared sh*tless and even considered calling the police. My flatmate went out to have a word with him and he stopped camping out. I mean a man has to be bordering on psycho to drive an hour to sit outside my flat every night for a week when I have only been on a couple of dates with him. Any way, if you must meet them online make sure the meeting point / pick up point is somewhere public . Train stations are great !. in addition to protecting you ...it also means you can scope the person out and make a quick exit if they don't quite match the picture they sent u. I never tried this myself cos I'm too nice :) ...but I have a male friend who does exactly that ...does a drive by/ walk by and if the date disappoints he telephones to explain something came up and he can't make it ...its a little callous but it saves time in the long run I guess.

Lets start from the beginning

2007-12-30T23:11:00.000Z

You wouldn't think it to look at me. I am beautiful by most standards , have an active social life, get loads of attention from men (and some women ) but when it comes to sex it all doesn't really add up.

I have tried confiding in a couple of close friends about this...well what I can only describe as 'intimacy issue', but no one seems to get it hence the blog.

I'll start from the beginning (bear with me I am not sure how much I'll write so it may take a while for us to get back to the present time). I grew up quite sheltered (my parents did a great job in protecting my innocence) so I was a late starter. I mean my first proper experience of anything near sexual was at University. I started getting curious around age 18, I had a couple of admirers but any hint at intimacy scared me ...and what made it worse was that I am not a great talker. I tend to internalise everything so I couldn't exactly share my concerns with my male fans. There was a cute boy, I'll call him 'Bud' who was the first man to show me any real attention (well by that I mean in an environment where I could respond) He was a few years older than I was, he was sweet, patient and kind and asked me out the traditional way ...you know he wrote me poetry, bugged me on phone, we were close friends for a time and I said YES !. But then , I started worrying about what exactly would be involved in 'going out' with someone and I chicken out and called him on the phone to tell him I'd changed my mind about us dating. I hurt him . I know I did because he really cared for me, he said as much ...he really wanted to be there for me and to love me , but I wouldn't let him.

Don't ask me why,but now in hind sight I'm not sure why I didn't let him in ...if I did I might have a shade/ hope of normalcy (is that a real word?) in my life right now . Do you want to know what I did instead ?....well I won't keep you in suspense ...I turned to the Internet. After spending some time in chatrooms I met up with Stratford . I call him stratford because that where he lived. He was aged 32 and I was 18 /19 . He drove up o my Uni (I schooled outside London ) and drove me to London for our date . We went to a birthday party, where he drank, after which we went to his flat in Stratford :) where he drank some more. Stratford drank so much on our date I'm guessing out of boredom. H ehad picked up a naive girl on the Internet ...but I don't think he banked on me being quite as naive as I was . He probably thought my naivety online was an act, and expected some sort of casual sexual activity . I wasn't up for that ...I really was just in a curious experimental teen phase (I did warn that I started late) . Any way he was a semi-gentleman about it by which I meant there was no attempt to make me do anything I wasn't up for . He just kept drinking . He got blind drunk , and I thought it would be a great opportunity to learn how to kiss . I mean he looked so drunk he'd never remember it any way , so when he made another pass and tried to kiss me ,...I let him ...LOL. It was yukky . I rushed to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out ...it was my first kiss and I had never had any one's tongue in my mouth before . Well I let him try again and each time Id go to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth and spit out . see the beauty of it all was that he was too drunk to care. He passed out on the sofa and I took his bedroom , and he dropped me off back at Uni the next morning.

Yes meeting someone randomly in that manner was really silly and could have been dangerous , but I was lucky I guess . That was my first kiss .... I remember it well cos it was soo awful ...I don't remember the name of the guy and I doubt I could pick him out of a line up. But I passed Bud up for that ...yes I knwo silly me ..I wish I could have left letters for my younger self. Any way thats how I launched myself into the world of intimacy ...