Train Wreck

Its 2 for 1 today because I forgot to publish my last post till I logged in to write this one :D

I'm a little bit forlorn. I have been wanting desperately to meet someone I connect with, someone who I can partner with ...I thought I'd met him ...

You remember 'a one' the borderline ugly guy I was scared to fall for. Well thank goodness I stopped myself from falling ....I really do not get the guy.

So this is him when he asked me out "I am going to ask you to be my girlfriend ...I'm asking straight out because I don't want any ambiguity. I take you seriously and I want to get it right from the onset" well not word for word ...something along those lines ...I thought it was soo charming ...I giggled poked him in the ribs and said "Are you asking me to go steady with you ...like exclusive?" He said "yes ...I really like you, and with someone like you there's so much going on around you that I want to know where we are"

I loved it that he asked me that way...personally the hardest thing for me when it comes to relationships is letting go of my caution. Boy ohhh boy am I cautious ...I'm like really guarded ...and with reason ...I used to think it was because I was hard , but I realise its the total opposite . I'm so vulnerable ...when I love I love really hard ...so it hurts really hard ...so I tend to stay aloof and whilst I might be dating a man I do not really get involved until I'm sure ..you know sure he cares. Being aloof means he can be a jerk ,and it doesn't matter to me because well I never expected any better. When we part, I sigh with relief because all the while I was waiting for him to do something wrong ...and even when he doesnt I make up some reasonas why he doesn't fit and then get out. I know recipie for a miserable love life

Any way long story short ..'a one' sold me,and I decided to let go of my caution ...I opened up (well maybe a little to much) I started caring about how he felt, and wondering if I was caring too much. I feel like a wreck ....I can feel him pulling away from me (surprise surprise ...why does that always happen just as you give them your heart). Any way I think he is probably seeing someone else because I feel a little bit like a mistress. I guess we women always know :) ...you know he never calls me at the weekends any more ...and when I call his phone is off (like who switches off their phone all weekend ). He tries not to intrude and tries not to disturb me and he makes a big show of this ...I thin this is because he does not want me to disturb him or intrude on him . Gosh this feels like a train wreck .

This is the other reason why I don't do relationships ...I hate feeling so vulnerable. I'm thinking I should talk to him about it?. Hopefully its just me being insecure and there's nothing more to it. But I don't want to come across as clingy ...OK this really isn't working... I want to know so I can stop wasting my time ... I'll talk to him on Monday when he switches his phone back on.

Bringing strays home

I think I found a puppy. I say think , because unlike my friend's pets this one is older than I am

Ok he is like a year older, but he acts 5 years younger ...does that count ? :D

He is really cute ...unfortunately he is also a lot shorter (5'8 ) ...its been a while since I've tried dating shorter men . I tried it last when I was 19 years old and then decided never again. Just too much hassle ...and besides they make me feel like a giant. Much easier to go for guys who are taller than I am ...that way I can get to play all feminine.

Any way he shall hence forth be known as 'Puppy' . Puppy is unusual ...he is the most sensitive man I have ever met ...LOL . I kind of like it though ...because I am the total opposite ...actually I lie ...I am very sensitive ...what I mean is I am not expressive . So when I hurt no one knows about it ...but Puppy is quite open ...Its only been two weeks and Ive already seen him near to tears. I say I like it because I am trying to learn to be more expressive ...when you keep everything bottled up no one can get close to you ...and I am trying to let people in / get close to people (not just men ...even my female friends too )

Where does Puppy get his money from ??? I am afraid to ask properly ...because I think it will mean the end of our short friendship . He doest actually work or seem to run a business but he has a nice car , expensive flat and at least 3 homes that I know of . One good thing though ...I don't think its drug money :D LOL ...I already asked what he does for a living , and he has gone back to school part time and does the books at a store part time . Now I know those two part times don't add up to nice car , nice house etc ...I am staying positive and will probe a bit more once we get more comfy with each other . Me I cant afford to hang with criminals/ mafioso types o ..but he could never ...you should see him he is sooo cute ...I'll be really heartbroken if he is not making a legitimate living :(

I just feel like writing 1

You are reading my blog?? ....Yay...so my blog gets read ?. I don't know if you remember starting a blog ...but did you nearly delete it because you thought no one was reading and you might as well just keep a journal?. Well I did ...I was like what's the difference, I'm the only one reading it...then I decided it didn't really matter ... and now EUREKA you (yes you gorgeous you) are reading my drivel ;)

The best thing about blogging so far is getting to give people silly names :D ...to be honest I don't really need to anonymize anyone ...I just like the silly names ..I'm not yet sure what name to give the 'a one' I spoke about in my last post ...I'm still thinking ...

Emotional intelligence ...very important. In fact it is kind of hard to get ahead without it. I consider myself to be emotionally astute. I.e always know when people are not fond of me ...I may not know what to do to change it but the fact that I know helps.

There is a woman where I work I'll call her Vixen . Yes I'm loathe to admit it but the girl is fine (in the flat English ironing board sense of the word). For some reason we do not get along. I'm guessing 50% of the problem is that she sizes people up very quickly ...but she couldn't really do that with me.

You see I'm Black... but yet my accent is as posh as hers, I earn as much , I'm just as fine (even though she might not think so ...deep within her she knows) ...we are so similar but she can not relate to me because ...well I'm Black. We were at a party, and I spotted her staring at me, she could see me chatting and relating to other people and I saw her draw near wanting to hear what was being said ...because in her own little head she could not phantom what it could be that anyone else could possibly be saying to me ...well I'm Black. Bless her heart ...initially she would try to make small talk ...I could see her struggling with her prejudices ...she didn't want to accept that the reason why she didn't like me was because I was Black. So sometimes she's seek me out in an attempt to get to know me ...I felt sorry for her so I'd try to be accommodating. Girl I know we have only just met, but I have been dealing with you for years. I know you and I know your fears. I can sit here and pity you because I know what you don't. You see girl ...I am not displaced ... I have never been enslaved, my Black friends friends have PHDs, Dr, Msc, Bsc and £000,000, 000s (in Jesus name LOL) after their names. The only thing that stops me feeling that I am better than you and worth more than you is my humility and my faith. I walk with grace , and kind of like I own the place, and that confuses you??? ...well sorry to break it to you its cos I'm Black.

LOL...or maybe its me with the problem? seeing black shadows when ever I turn around? ...who knows ...but I'm so nice and luvable that its all on her ...Ok maybe its not cos I'm Black ...but all these Oyinbos get issues.

Ugly Babies

I've met some one who could be "the one"... well I don't really believe in there being a "the one" maybe more "a one" I.e there is more than one person out there who can be a perfect match for you, or who can match your soul.

Well I think I've met one of them, but I don't know if to take it further or let him go. He is tall (er than me), successful , confident , well groomed, good taste (well obviously if he is courting me ;) ), super intelligent, God fearing (he actually sets an alarm for prayer time), generous, totally into me ....

The problem is he is not errr exactly pretty. Don't get me wrong , you would have to think a bit before you decided that he was ugly...I guess he is best described as a borderline case.

Now it doesn't matter to me that he is unpretty, in fact the more time I spend with him the more attracted I am to him. I only see his good features. He has a great body...lean and athletic.

My main concern is the kids . I can see my self falling for him, but will I love ugly babies ???

Sigh! My parents are good looking , my siblings are good looking, my friends are good looking ... sorry ...am I starting to sound a bit shallow??? Its just that growing up when I imagined my family I always pictured my daughter being as cute (if not cuter) than I am you know my little girl was to get my almond shaped eyes and my perfect white teeth. My sons were to be tall,strong handsome men ... I'm not too sure I will get all that if I give this man a chance.

Will I be happy wiping snot off an ugly kid's nose?, holding a fierce looking baby up to my breasts to suckle?



I mean if Heidi Klum was not spared then what chance have I got ...



http://www.thesuperficial.com/2005/10/19/heidi_klum_has_an_ugly_baby.html#comment

God why didn't you send a good looking "a one" my way? Why are all the good looking men vacuous and un-inspiring ?...Life sucks !

Younger Men

My friend ...lets call her Macy has always been into younger men. She says they are so sweet ...and you can still teach them. Any way when she got married she was 30 and her hubby was 24.

My other friend Kitty (yup purrs like a cat :D) has just started down this road too. We both bumped into a boy (ok unfair to call him boy) a man we knew at Uni (I'll call him Puppy) who was a couple of years below us. Well we bumped into him on facebook ...he added me and Kitty sends me a message: "Ohhh Unmodern ...I see Puppy added you ...wow ...he is sooo sexy now. I always knew he would be hot ...are you gonna pull him???" Me: "ewww" he is young ...besides he is not my type" Kitty: "Well if you won't pull him ...I will"

Next thing I see a notification Kitty and Puppy are now friends ...I think to myself "poor Puppy"

So Kitty emails to say she is visiting London ...she tells me not to worry about how we are meeting up ...because Puppy will drive her every where during her visit. Don't get me wrong Puppy is like 25/26 and works in investment banking so he is not a wet behind the ears... he has theatre tickets booked, lovely dinners lined up and was completely devoted and adoring during her visit.

So I started thinking ...I WANT MY OWN PUPPY. Now normally once a guy is younger or dressed ridiculously (you know with the boxers showing, or trying to look like an American rapper) then I don’t give them the time of the day.

Any way Xmas eve and I’m at a party ...this really young looking man pulls my hand as I walk by ...he looks Puppy like so I decide to see what he has to say instead of blanking him immediately. His wing man says "hey he wants to talk to you don’t walk way now" ...so I stop. He is like "You know you are the prettiest woman in this room" ...and I’m thinking ...well at least he makes sense :D LOL. I say "really??" ...he says "yes really" I ask his name and he tells me ...then I can’t help my self I say "how Old are you?" he says "26" ...I smile ..."I'm 27" and he says "those are just numbers ...and don't dismiss me just because I'm here and I'm young...there’s more to it than that”. Oh wow ...good comeback ...any way I’m mischievous...so I say I'll see him around and I walk away.

Any way it’s an hour later and he finds me ..."Don't run way again...can I please have your number so we can talk?" I think well I'm being silly 26 is basically the same as 27 ...so I oblige....

Next day ...my phone rings ...Its Pup (well I thought I'd better name him. Kitty has her Puppy so I'll just call him Pup) It’s a brief conversation and half way through he says "Is this Unmodern??" I’m say "Of course who else" Pup says "well sorry it’s just you sound really different" I say "well it’s me...Unmodern". The conversation ends. I’m thinking well I guess I was using my business tone ...and I sounded more grown up than he expected...the conversation was awkward :D ...now I'm thinking Pup probabaly lied about being 26 ...he sounds more like he is 24.

I go out again at the weekend. I spot Pup in the corner. He doesn’t come up to me. By chance we pass each other and we say hello ...he looks nervous. I'm not quite sure if it’s the fact that I'm, 6'2 tall (with my heels) :D or if it’s the maturity thing, or that a lot of money is being spent on my table (well a couple of men kept my champagne glass topped up all night), and when you get me and my girls together it can be intimidating.

Any way fast forward to today. I just got out of a meeting and I get a text. I reproduce it word for word:

"Hey girl' wasz up everything Kris? Holla back. Pup"


Holla Back?? Everything Kris??? I dont know what Kris means ...but gosh I really can’t do this puppy thing!!!!