Is it in his eyes?

When I took to blogging I thought I wanted to write about intimacy issues, but I realised I was just going through one of those down moments. My issues are typical and easily resolved (well that's my current line of thinking) so let me just jist u about whatever I guess ...

About my second kiss... you are going to think I'm a lil psycho cos I was surrounded by nice young men wanting my attention , but I was so shy of being inexperienced and messing up or being awkward around them that I kept on experimenting on blokes I met online. I could be silly; stupid; awkward; not know how to kiss, and it didn't matter because they were easy to cut off as they were not a part of my real life. Whereas, if I was fumbly and naive around someone in my social circle or someone at Uni I'd keep bumping into them. At the time I felt I was soo behind... my lack of contact with boys was like a disability I kept trying to hide.

Any way you guessed right ...my second kiss was a guy off the net. for reasons that will later become apparent I'll call him Belly. So I met Belly in a chatroom , once again he was older I was 20 and he was ...well he said he was 30 ...but I'm guessing he was actually closer to 40..but I'm not going to split hairs (because he didn't have any LOL )

He was a shrewd guy , into fashion and publishing...hee hee a little strange to me though as he had weird cheiftaincy chair in his house. I'm thinking ooooookay, you were awarded a cheiftancy in some village in Nigeria whats the cheiftaincy chair and horse hair thing (looks like a feather duster made out of horse hair) doing all the way in yous poxy London flat???

I digress ...I'll fast forward. My first fumble ...on a couch ...he pulled me on top of him in an awkward hug/ cuddle ...I say awkward because it was like being on a see-saw. You wouldn't think to look at him form afar that his belly was sooo big ... it was a spherical dome ...and here was I balanced precariously on it. I couldn't help but giggle hysterically . He looks up (my laughter is infectious so he is laughing too even though he is not quite sure whats making me laugh) and asks me 'babe whats funny?' I roll myself off his belly and keep laughing. Some more attempts to hug etc ...but his belly kept getting in the way ...by this time I'm in stitches I mean imagine having to lean across a belly divide to hug someone properly, it was comical. Any way I suggest we go out to dinner to save myself, and we do.

Fast forward again, this time to the kiss. After the comedy hour at his flat, I knew the kiss would not be great ...but even I was not expecting what followed. He drove me to my cousin's place (this was summer time and I was crashing with them for the duration). He stops the car and pulls me towards him ...I know whats coming so I resist cos I already have a feeling it wont be great (and this time there is no bathroom for me to run to for a quick rinse). He is persistent, so I think OK what the heck ...I'll just give this a go. So he has my head locked in his palms, looks into my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am...I smile...and he leans in, his lips brush mine briefly then my lips part, yielding to the thrust of his tongue ....then n.o.t.h.i.n.g

He still has my head locked in his hands, and his tongue just sits firmly in my mouth ...motionless. It is only my second time kissing, but from the movies (thank you Hollywood) and my crappy first kiss ...even I know there is supposed to be some motion after you put your tongue in someones mouth. To save the situation, I make an attempt at some tongue action but instead of kissing back he simply stiffens his tongue even more. Gosh !!! (e pass my power o ), I wrestle my way out of the headlock, thank him for dinner and then run in as fast as I can. Seriously ...it was a while before I would attempt this kissing malarkey again.

Ps dealing with Belly taught me a big lesson about Internet dating safety. He had picked me up from school for our date before taking me to my cousin's, and when I tried to cut him off he wouldn't take no for an answer. I mean what was a dead fish kiss for me must have been something amazing for him (he actually got me wondering if traditional Africans by traditional I mean 'older' actually french kiss etc). When school got back in a couple of months later he would drive all the way from London to camp out outside my flat. Its the only time I have ever been grateful for having flatmates...after his fifth night outside my flat I had to let them know what was going on because I was scared sh*tless and even considered calling the police. My flatmate went out to have a word with him and he stopped camping out. I mean a man has to be bordering on psycho to drive an hour to sit outside my flat every night for a week when I have only been on a couple of dates with him. Any way, if you must meet them online make sure the meeting point / pick up point is somewhere public . Train stations are great !. in addition to protecting you ...it also means you can scope the person out and make a quick exit if they don't quite match the picture they sent u. I never tried this myself cos I'm too nice :) ...but I have a male friend who does exactly that ...does a drive by/ walk by and if the date disappoints he telephones to explain something came up and he can't make it ...its a little callous but it saves time in the long run I guess.

Lets start from the beginning

You wouldn't think it to look at me. I am beautiful by most standards , have an active social life, get loads of attention from men (and some women ) but when it comes to sex it all doesn't really add up.

I have tried confiding in a couple of close friends about this...well what I can only describe as 'intimacy issue', but no one seems to get it hence the blog.

I'll start from the beginning (bear with me I am not sure how much I'll write so it may take a while for us to get back to the present time). I grew up quite sheltered (my parents did a great job in protecting my innocence) so I was a late starter. I mean my first proper experience of anything near sexual was at University. I started getting curious around age 18, I had a couple of admirers but any hint at intimacy scared me ...and what made it worse was that I am not a great talker. I tend to internalise everything so I couldn't exactly share my concerns with my male fans. There was a cute boy, I'll call him 'Bud' who was the first man to show me any real attention (well by that I mean in an environment where I could respond) He was a few years older than I was, he was sweet, patient and kind and asked me out the traditional way ...you know he wrote me poetry, bugged me on phone, we were close friends for a time and I said YES !. But then , I started worrying about what exactly would be involved in 'going out' with someone and I chicken out and called him on the phone to tell him I'd changed my mind about us dating. I hurt him . I know I did because he really cared for me, he said as much ...he really wanted to be there for me and to love me , but I wouldn't let him.

Don't ask me why,but now in hind sight I'm not sure why I didn't let him in ...if I did I might have a shade/ hope of normalcy (is that a real word?) in my life right now . Do you want to know what I did instead ?....well I won't keep you in suspense ...I turned to the Internet. After spending some time in chatrooms I met up with Stratford . I call him stratford because that where he lived. He was aged 32 and I was 18 /19 . He drove up o my Uni (I schooled outside London ) and drove me to London for our date . We went to a birthday party, where he drank, after which we went to his flat in Stratford :) where he drank some more. Stratford drank so much on our date I'm guessing out of boredom. H ehad picked up a naive girl on the Internet ...but I don't think he banked on me being quite as naive as I was . He probably thought my naivety online was an act, and expected some sort of casual sexual activity . I wasn't up for that ...I really was just in a curious experimental teen phase (I did warn that I started late) . Any way he was a semi-gentleman about it by which I meant there was no attempt to make me do anything I wasn't up for . He just kept drinking . He got blind drunk , and I thought it would be a great opportunity to learn how to kiss . I mean he looked so drunk he'd never remember it any way , so when he made another pass and tried to kiss me ,...I let him ...LOL. It was yukky . I rushed to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out ...it was my first kiss and I had never had any one's tongue in my mouth before . Well I let him try again and each time Id go to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth and spit out . see the beauty of it all was that he was too drunk to care. He passed out on the sofa and I took his bedroom , and he dropped me off back at Uni the next morning.

Yes meeting someone randomly in that manner was really silly and could have been dangerous , but I was lucky I guess . That was my first kiss .... I remember it well cos it was soo awful ...I don't remember the name of the guy and I doubt I could pick him out of a line up. But I passed Bud up for that ...yes I knwo silly me ..I wish I could have left letters for my younger self. Any way thats how I launched myself into the world of intimacy ...