Indecent Proposals

It is Saturday. I have just left the gym and switch on my phone. I have a message so it is flashing.

Message: Unmodern, its Fonzo here, I'm in London, please give me a call.

I chuckle, because the last time I heard that voice he was angry and telling me he didn’t think we should ever speak again. So I press 5 to return the call.

Unmodern: Fonzooooo, so you are speaking to me again??
Fonzo: {laughs} I have forgiven you now that was your fault. You were playing with my emotions. You led me on then said you weren’t doing again after you found out I was married.
Unmodern: Na wa o. Good to hear from you sha ...How long are you in Town for?
Fonzo: Just for the weekend, I go back to Lagos in 2 days. Where are you, are you in town?
Unmodern: No I'm in {unmodern's location}
Fonzo: Please come to London, I want to see you
Unmodern: Sorry, that is so not in my plans for this weekend. I had a hard week, and I am looking forward to just chilling out.
Fonzo: Ok let me come and see you then
Unmodern: I'd say yes, but I don't want wahala. If you promise to behave maybe you can come hang out.
Fonzo: What do you mean by behave. I can't get naked?
Unmodern: definitely no nakedness, and no other type of misbehaving
Fonzo: Why are you always acting so harsh?
Unmodern: What do you mean by harsh? , yes you may be my friend, but you are a married man
Fonzo: You don start again with all this married business, what does that have to do with anything. You think all these single men are going to love you? you need to wake up , they can't give you the kind of attention that I will give you.
Unmodern: Really? {Laughs}
Fonzo: So any way how much does the train ticket from London to cost?
Unmodern: £40
Fonzo: No wonder you can't come ...that is pricey ...can we split it?
Unmodern: {deep belly laugh} aren’t you the one that’s a celebrity DJ? You can't pay £40 for a train ride?
Fonzo: its unplanned expenditure now ...you know I'm from Nigeria ...besides you are the {unmodern’s profession} you guys are rolling in dough
Unmodern: That's bullshit. LOL ...I don't even know if to laugh or cry. I have a friend in London whose boyfriend in Nigeria pays her rent ...so which kind of excuse is 'I'm from Nigeria'
Fonzo: Na me be your papa?? ...why I go pay your rent?
Unmodern: I'm not asking you or anyone else to pay my rent; I can take care of myself. I'm just letting you know that hardworking men in Nigeria don't need to ask for £20 contribution towards a train ride.
Fonzo: {laughs} you dey insult me abi? Wait until I catch you. Any way I'll see if I can raise the £40. The problem is over here, I have no ATM card or bank, just the fixed amount of currency I came with and it is already allocated.
Unmodern: No yawa. You can try busking on the underground. Those people make mad money ...just take your decks there spin some naija tunes like Kokomaster and I'm sure you will have raised enough within an hour

LOL ...sorry I just thought this conversation was too funny. I'm trying to decide which of the proposals was more indecent. A married man hitting on me, or a grown man trying to get me to contribute £20 towards his train fare?

Answers on a post card please!!!!!

(PS heres more information on busking on the London underground if any other men out there need to raise £20 ...definitely do not ask me ... My mama didn't raise no fool :D ) http://www.tfl.gov.uk/corporate/projectsandschemes/communityandeducation/2435.aspx

Eat and Run

I've been a victim.

it’s the first time it has happened to me ...

I did not plan on going out yesterday. I was going to leave work early, go to the gym and then stay home and watch a movie. I have a friend coming down to visit for the weekend plus I had a bit of insomnia the night before and was tired as f***k so I was not trying to exhaust myself.

I get a call at my desk and it’s my friend ND. "Hey we haven't hung out in a while, lets meet up, we simply must do drinks later" Fast forward to after work, and I'm sitting in a bar with her and like 10 of her work colleagues (it started out as a smaller group, but people kept joining us) I got in 1st round (just hers and mine) and then the second, I didn't really mind its just drinks and I can afford it.

Then I'm ready to go home. I'm hungry and I'm already dreaming about the beans and pepper my mum made for me. (Beans is my favourite food: D) Mum fries the pepper for hours and its gorgeous. Then ND suggests we leave the pub to eat. I wrinkle my nose because nothing anyone is going to serve me at this point in time is going hit the spot like the beans and pepper I have at home. But she keeps trying to persuade me, and I decide not to be a spoil sport and agree to go get some food. ND asks "what do you fancy" and I say ... "oh anything homely" (still thinking about my beans)

So ND leads me to this Indian/ Nepalese fusion restaurant; I’ve never been there before. She vouches it’s nice because she has eaten there before. I shrug and follow; I'm too tired to care.

She recommends some stuff from the menu, I follow her lead ...it looks a bit pricey for a after the pub kind of meal, but it won't break the bank. We have a lovely dinner ...and some good conversation.

Then we finish eating. I mean we did Poppadums, starters, mains, desert and coffee, and we were at the restaurant at 8.30 it was now 10.55 so a good 2.5 hours.

The waiter starts clearing the coffee cups ... ND looks at her watch and says "gosh my bus arrives in 4 minutes" she brings out a bank card and waves it in the air .....I think to myself ok I guess we better ask for the bill ...I turn to the waiter "May we have the bill please?"

Then ND stands up... "Oh gosh that is the last bus, if I miss it I won't be able to get home". Normally I'd interrupt, and say “I'll take care of it run along” ...but I have no intention of doing so, because I know it’s going to be a big one tonight, plus this heifer dragged me here when all I was looking forward to was my peppered beans and a DVD. So I keep quiet, but there’s a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth, because I realise that I'm about to be stitched up ...I can see it coming.

The bill arrives and ND is still at the table. The waiter tries to hand her the bill I’m guessing because she is standing up, and also because she did all the ordering, but she points at me and says “Ohhhh my bus my bus my bus” so he hands it to me instead. She doesn’t even make a start to check it, instead she turns to the waiter and asks if he can break her £10 for the bus (they don’t give change on the bus). The waiter disappears to go get her the coins. She stands at the table for another 5 minutes.

I keep quiet and don't point out that she has missed her bus already, because 10 minutes ago she said it was arriving in 4 minutes, I also don't point out that in the time its taken her to break her £10 she could have paid her share of the bill or at least said something about treating me to dinner next time or repaying. Instead she flaps around arranging her woolly hat, scarf, and her coat and generally acting like she is in a rush. LOL ...its like I'm in a comedy, and I play along because:
1. I can take the hit (best believe if it was like 5 years ago and I was still a broke ass , I'd have held her cloth…who the hell does she think is going to wash dishes here tonight)
2. I am genuinely finding her amusing ...in fact I feel like giggling at how ridiculous she is being.

Then she runs over to the waiter collects her coins, waves at me and looks at her watch then runs out of the restaurant. Buahahahah , now I can start laughing. I give the waiter my card and pay the bill.

Miss Not So Perfect

I’m not perfect …okay I said it :D

The catalyst for this realisation was …uhhhm I got criticised at work this week LOL

Don’t get me wrong …I always knew I wasn’t perfect …but I was reminded of the fact this week.

I was working on a project (I won’t go into too much detail as I’m trying to remain anonymous) and I got everything right, but apparently missed out a key/core/ basic bit. With what I do / my current level I have to get my work signed off, so I got motioned over by my Boss and we go into a meeting room.

Boss: Ok let’s go through this
Unmodern: Okay
Boss: Please take a look at this and tell me there is a release in there, I don’t think I saw one, but please prove me wrong
Unmodern: (takes a look at the paperwork with a sinking feeling… thumbs through the papers and says) Now that you mention it, I do not recall a release
Boss: This is unacceptable. I really wanted you to show me a release, because I can’t believe you were ready to complete this without a release
Unmodern: (keeps quiet and avoids eye contact)
Boss: I don’t understand, what is wrong, are you finding it hard to concentrate? please tell me what I can do to help you? Would it help if I drew up a check list for you?
Unmodern: (at the mention of drawing up a checklist I realise that Bossman isn’t playing this time …the moment these Oyinbos start offering to help you to that extent ,…just know you are SCREWED ,…he is basically saying …I don’t trust you to improve on your own )
Boss: At your last appraisal I was singing your praises, but obviously, for you to miss something like the absence of a release, I obviously misjudged your strength, at this level we shouldn’t be having this type of discussion
Unmodern: (coin drops that Boss probably thinks my silence means I am not taking the issue seriously enough and now he wants to escalate it, so I look him in the eye and say) Boss I see your point, and you are right, that was something basic that I should not have missed, I will work on it and maybe we can review this again in a month or so
Boss: Ok this just should not be happening. This is a stage when I want to stop signing off your work and give you more responsibility, this omission sets us back, I don’t want to have to start going through everything
Boss: Ok that was the major point, lets discuss the project, are you okay to continue discussing this or do u need some time?
Unmodern: (Ok I guess some peeps would have been crying by now or at least shaken. I am very sober, but I already made my mind up a long time ago that when it comes to employment …na use me I use u God no go vex …so I don’t treat any job like its my lifeline …I don’t want to get fired but I’m not going to start crying either)
Unmodern: No please carry on
Boss and Unmodern discuss project , Boss gives Unmodern 24 hours to implement suggestions , Unmodern realising that she needs to start impressing him again (having undone the past 2 years of impressing him with one silly mistake) turns it around in under 2 hours

The fact that he didn’t take up my suggestion to review my progress again in a month’s time gave me some comfort that he wasn’t trying to ‘manage me out’ LOL …google "managing out" I don't have time 2 explain it

Ok so I have decided to stop playing at work …I was probably reviewing the paper work and reading blogs, and yakking on my mobile at the same time :D . If I was going to be at this job for another year or so it wouldn’t matter because there would be enough time to shine my reputation again. But I plan on resigning to take up another opportunity soon, and I can not afford to leave a bad rep... I have enjoyed working with them and it is important that they keep their high estimation of me even when I'm gone.

Point: YOU ARE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST JOB/ SUCCESS

Boss is starting to smile small small again sha …LOL

Things Men Say

Today I was just thinking about some laughable situations I have been in with men and just though I’d share

There was this guy who had been on my case for years ManU (he is crazy about Manchester United). I’m talking seriously ...ManU never missed birthday or an opportunity to show me he cared. ManU would post me compilation CDs (that was soo cute, because last time someone did me a mix tape was back in high school). On a brief hiatus I decided that as I wasn't meeting any men I was interested in maybe it was time to re-examine these men that I automatically dismiss but who so obviously care.

When I told ManU I had just moved into a new place and was decorating, he offered to drive down to help. I thought okay maybe this is an opportunity to get to know him better ...and of course also get my walls painted :D. So the weekend came, we had a great time. He was a great guy he painted the living room, whilst I painted the kitchen. He set up my IKEA wardrobe ...LOL I don’t know how I would have managed that if he wasn’t there because it was a monstrous wardrobe (triple door). He helped me get my washing machine upstairs and connected the plumbing. He sorted out the light fixtures, and when I wanted to fix him a nice dinner to thank him, he wouldn’t let me and he insisted we go out as we had both been working hard.

Any way I started thinking how foolish I was to have overlooked this good man. Okay fair enough he was not everything I thought I wanted in a man but from his persistence in trying to win my attention over the 3 years that I’d known him it would be safe to say he would be caring and loving. So with these thoughts I went to bed smiling ...after setting ManU up in the second bedroom. At 1am there is a knock on my door. I wake up still sleepy.

Unmodern: Hey ManU are you okay?
ManU: I can’t sleep
Unmodern: (lets ManU in to the room) I know it’s been a long day. Probably the long drive here yesterday and then all the work we did today.
ManU: Yeah maybe
Unmodern: Should I fix you something to drink? ...I have some cocoa
ManU: No, I just want to talk to you. Seriously I don’t know why you won’t give me a chance. You know I like you, yet you prefer to remain alone ...or at least you keep saying you are single
Unmodern: I think I’m just waiting for the right person ...the right time
ManU: so what is wrong with me? Do you think I am ugly?
Unmodern: of course you are not ugly
ManU: I want to treat you right
Unmodern: Thank you ManU ...I think you are a great guy ...but with me sometimes it takes time
ManU: I want to drink from your furry cup
Unmodern: (yikes!!!!...ok now I’m awake) what did you say???
ManU: Let me drink from your furry cup
ManU: Don’t worry you will enjoy it
Unmodern: (I really want to start laughing ...but he looks so serious that I just say) Err thank you very much but no one is drinking from my cup today

The next day I Googled ‘Furry Cup’ just to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood. Lawd have mercy...I haven’t seen ManU again since then. We are still friendly and talk once in a while, but that I want to drink from your furry cup business totally killed it for me.

What was I supposed to say to that? ‘Yes here’s my cup ...drink away? ....abeg...do peeps actually proposition each other like that? Or is it just me being a prude?

Dubious Honour

What is going on? Ok this is probably more like a personal rant. Double D (DD) told me today that she was getting married. Here is the exact MSN conversation:

DD: go get ur hat I'm getting married
Unmodern: who to?
DD: somebody
Unmodern: send me a postcard when u know who 8-)
DD: ode… is that the congratulations I get
Unmodern: I only have one knockem dead dress o ...if someone else books it opari ...Ill just send u wedding card
DD: infact i'll demote u o
Unmodern: buahahah too late
DD: fu*
Unmodern: u no see as I demoted myself
Unmodern: lol
DD: winch
DD: lemme go and get my other friends then
Unmodern: spilllll
DD: i'll gist u later
Unmodern: NOW NOW NOW
Unmodern: Is it someone I like?
Unmodern: tease
{insert conversation that convinces Unmodern that DD is not joking}
Unmodern: looking fwd to it
DD: is that all u can say??
Unmodern: U don’t deserve more than looking forward to it then. Cos 10 minute ago Id have said u were single
DD: kinda kept this one under wraps
Unmodern: na wa o :D congratulations and it better not be a joke
{Insert more banter}
Unmodern: so who is XXX?
Unmodern: do a quick 5 minute intro so I can start feeling happy 4 u
{Subsequent conversation DD jists Unmodern about XXX, Unmodern lets go of her annoyance/hurt and they start planning the wedding}


I was weak

WTF??? Don't get me wrong I am totally happy for her, in fact I suspect I might get asked to be maid of honour (the last time she was supposed to get married I was asked) My shock is the fact that as close as we are (maybe I'm deluding myself about the strength of our friendship) I had never heard of XXX. What a dubious honour …I’ll be at your back at the altar trying to crane my neck to see her husband’s face cos I aint met the bruvver before.



Why is everyone being so secretive, or am I just naive?? I have another friend who is doing the same thing. This time we all know her boyfriend, but the only reason why I know she is getting married/ has gotten engaged is because her mum and my mum are friends and her mum told my mum in excitement. It’s been 6 months now and I’m still waiting for her to share the news (I decided to keep schtum about it because I’m learning more about people everyday and would rather she told me herself when she is ready instead of accosting her saying ‘so I hear you got engaged’).

Also was invited to a wedding 2 weeks ago where the maid of honour who called to sort out the aso ebi (wedding outfit) couldn’t give me the low down on our friend’s man because she hadn’t known anything about him until she got asked to be maid of honour.

My precious sisters I will love you and support you regardless …I’m just perplexed what is the reason for the secrecy????

Reverse Dumping

This is when a man wants out of the relationship, but doesn't want to be the one to break it off. How did I find out about this phenomenon???...well I have brothers!! In my view we owe it to ourselves and other women to expect the best from our brothers and sons, so when I found out my brother was two-timing his girl I challenged him. I asked him why he wasn't open with Girl1 if things were not working out.

His response was that a gentleman never dumps a girl. You let her do the dumping, that way there's less bitterness etc. How do you do this? Well when you lose interest, you stop calling, stop paying attention etc she will take the hint and eventually dump you. Because she makes the decision she feels less bitter about it. (I don't agree with this at all ...because I have seen some needy women cling on for dear life even when it is obvious that the man is not interested, and I have seen the men let them because oh well its sex/cooking/attention on tap for the asking even when they are not feeling the girl)

So ladies, if you have ever dumped a man and he looked like he was waiting for it, expecting it, or he doesn't protest/ protests half heartedly ...sorry to break it to you, but you were probably reverse dumped LOL

Why this topic? Well I'm about to be reverse dumped!! I still haven't seen 'a one' yet, but when next I see him I will have all the DVDs he has loaned me to hand (no don't worry I'm not being petty. He is a collector, and I know if I don’t return them he will be thinking about those DVDs long after I'm gone but will be too polite to ask for them back)

It hurts. I will tell him its over and he will not protest, he may not even ask why. He may say something like 'are you sure?' just to play his part. Or even if he asks why, after listening to my reasons he may say something like 'I respect your decision' :(

He swept me off my feet when we first met ...and went out of his way to woo me and impress me. He got my attention, and then he just switched off. What kind of evil b****** does that to a woman?

Any way I'll be the one saying the words, but I know I’m the one being dumped.