Lets start from the beginning

You wouldn't think it to look at me. I am beautiful by most standards , have an active social life, get loads of attention from men (and some women ) but when it comes to sex it all doesn't really add up.

I have tried confiding in a couple of close friends about this...well what I can only describe as 'intimacy issue', but no one seems to get it hence the blog.

I'll start from the beginning (bear with me I am not sure how much I'll write so it may take a while for us to get back to the present time). I grew up quite sheltered (my parents did a great job in protecting my innocence) so I was a late starter. I mean my first proper experience of anything near sexual was at University. I started getting curious around age 18, I had a couple of admirers but any hint at intimacy scared me ...and what made it worse was that I am not a great talker. I tend to internalise everything so I couldn't exactly share my concerns with my male fans. There was a cute boy, I'll call him 'Bud' who was the first man to show me any real attention (well by that I mean in an environment where I could respond) He was a few years older than I was, he was sweet, patient and kind and asked me out the traditional way ...you know he wrote me poetry, bugged me on phone, we were close friends for a time and I said YES !. But then , I started worrying about what exactly would be involved in 'going out' with someone and I chicken out and called him on the phone to tell him I'd changed my mind about us dating. I hurt him . I know I did because he really cared for me, he said as much ...he really wanted to be there for me and to love me , but I wouldn't let him.

Don't ask me why,but now in hind sight I'm not sure why I didn't let him in ...if I did I might have a shade/ hope of normalcy (is that a real word?) in my life right now . Do you want to know what I did instead ?....well I won't keep you in suspense ...I turned to the Internet. After spending some time in chatrooms I met up with Stratford . I call him stratford because that where he lived. He was aged 32 and I was 18 /19 . He drove up o my Uni (I schooled outside London ) and drove me to London for our date . We went to a birthday party, where he drank, after which we went to his flat in Stratford :) where he drank some more. Stratford drank so much on our date I'm guessing out of boredom. H ehad picked up a naive girl on the Internet ...but I don't think he banked on me being quite as naive as I was . He probably thought my naivety online was an act, and expected some sort of casual sexual activity . I wasn't up for that ...I really was just in a curious experimental teen phase (I did warn that I started late) . Any way he was a semi-gentleman about it by which I meant there was no attempt to make me do anything I wasn't up for . He just kept drinking . He got blind drunk , and I thought it would be a great opportunity to learn how to kiss . I mean he looked so drunk he'd never remember it any way , so when he made another pass and tried to kiss me ,...I let him ...LOL. It was yukky . I rushed to the bathroom to rinse my mouth out ...it was my first kiss and I had never had any one's tongue in my mouth before . Well I let him try again and each time Id go to the bathroom to rinse out my mouth and spit out . see the beauty of it all was that he was too drunk to care. He passed out on the sofa and I took his bedroom , and he dropped me off back at Uni the next morning.

Yes meeting someone randomly in that manner was really silly and could have been dangerous , but I was lucky I guess . That was my first kiss .... I remember it well cos it was soo awful ...I don't remember the name of the guy and I doubt I could pick him out of a line up. But I passed Bud up for that ...yes I knwo silly me ..I wish I could have left letters for my younger self. Any way thats how I launched myself into the world of intimacy ...